Dale Murphy Uses an Autopen

by patricktmcnamara

Dale Murphy had a lifetime batting average of .265 over 18 seasons
8 of these seasons were remarkable
6 were slightly above average
4 were inconclusive
And 2 were poor
Dale Murphy was a Brave
When the Braves were terrible and played on TBS
During the day
When no one was home to watch
During those eight remarkable seasons
Dale Murphy was the only reason
the channel wasn’t changed to—
“No whammys! No whammys!”
But Dale Murphy wasn’t a baseball player you wrote to
Everyone knew that
Because everyone knew
Dale Murphy used the Autopen.
The Autopen replicates real signatures
On glossy things, and cardboard things
And wood things and leather things
Harry S. Truman was the first U.S. President to use the Autopen
Dale Murphy was no Harry Truman
Not in 1980
And not even in 1987
When Dale Murphy hit 44 homeruns
Dale Murphy retired in 1993
Playing 26 games as a Colorado Rockie
Hitting zero home runs
And driving in 7
Where’s your Autopen now
Dale Murphy?