You opened it!
You opened it. You must now forward this email or you will be killed… with kindness, of course! What did you think we meant?
We want more new people to subscribe to these weekly emails so the needle on our self-esteem meter can move away from “EVEN THE MIRROR CRACKS ITS MOCKING SMILE AT US!” and more towards “Tomorrow probably will be better if we sleep through most of it.”
So can you please forward this on to your friends who like going to shows? If you can’t, no big deal; you will just die… with disappointment at having depressed us, of course! What did you think?
You can even forward this to people who hate shows. At least then we’ll know what it feels like to be in a new inbox, if only for a second or two. Again, if you don’t forward, it’s cool; we’re just going hang up your dead corpse in your bedroom cupboard… before resuscitating you with kisses of forgiveness, obviously!
So show us some love and do as we ask. But if you still don’t want to comply, we understand. But let us quickly tell you some stories about some of the sad, sad people who lost their lives because they didn’t want to comply. Take Helen. She got a similar email. She deleted it. And now Helen’s dead (sending to 0 people = you will die).
How about the curious case of Kevin? Kevin only sent the email to 5 people. Big mistake. Kevin’s eyeballs were pulled out with a fork while he was watching that one scene in “Three Men and a Baby” where you can see the dead kid in the background. (1-5 people = you’re going to either get hurt OR get the biggest fright of your life – Kevin’s scenario encompassed BOTH).
Be like Cindy. Cindy sent this email to 15 people (sending this to 15+ people = you won’t die). Cindy is very much alive, people. Very, very much alive. SO THX 4 DA LUV 🙂 !!!
(To reiterate, if you can’t forward it’s not a problem. Dead people don’t have any problems.) JK! JK! JK! JK! (just kill! just kill! just kill!)